POSEIDON

Theater: Regal Cinemas Savannah 10, Savannah, Georgia

If Poseidon were fact, not fiction, I would advise no minorities to go on a cruise ship, because you wouldn't make it out alive.

The black captain: crushed by a wall of water.
The Hispanic cook: impaled by spikes AND crushed by a falling elevator.
The Hispanic girl: drowned and/or blunt force trauma to the head.

Other than that, the thrills of escaping an ocean liner that's upside down and sinking has a lot of good thrills, even though a lot of it seems like a refresher from Titanic with the projector flipped over.

The cast? Josh Lucas as a professional gambler, Kurt Russell as a fireman turned mayor, Emmy Rossum as his daughter with a secret fiancee, and let's not forget Richard Dreyfuss as the suicidal rich and probably gay guy.

See it if - you like seeing boats go under.
Rent it if - you remember the original.

THE SENTINAL

Theater: Carmike Cinemas Wynnsong 11, Savannah, Georgia

Yes, I realize the movie is called The Sentinel ... but this is what the marquee said, and it's what is on my ticket stub ... so I won't be one to argue with Georgia's education system.

Michael Douglas is a Secret Service agent on a mission to uncover a ... plot to kill the president! Figure that. But the trailers sell it as a sort of man on the run movie, when the running doesn't even start until halfway through the movie.

The supporting cast is decent, from Kim Basinger as an unfaithful First Lady to Kiefer Sutherland and Eva Longoria as SS Investigators tracking down a killer, and then finally Douglas.

The movie is at its best when you see Douglas pull a Fugitive trying to clear his name and track down the bad guys, but sadly it takes a while to get going.

See it if - you want a decent thriller.
Rent it if - you like your Douglas aged ... more than he already is.

M:I:III

Theater: GTC Liberty Cinema 7, Hinesville, Georgia

The third MI movie has parts I would expect. But a rescue mission where Tom Cruise is sent against 16 bad guys with only some remote controlled machine guns is much more like a video game than a covert operation.

Granted, they are very cool machine guns, but come on ... Mission Impossible was never (or should never have been) about gunfights ... it was about out-thinking the enemy and using violence as the last possible resort.

So when Tom Cruise et al break into the Vatican it's awesome. Over the wall, blending in, impersonating their villain and kidnapping him without anyone knowing ... it was awesome.

Until you think about it ... why would a prolific international arms dealer be at the Vatican?

Because the characters mentioned his clients would be there.

His clients are buying weapons of mass destruction ... but also devout Catholics who believe in morality on fundamentalist levels?

Seems like a pretty risky place to do a transaction, if you ask me.

But then we're back to gunfighting. And while the gunfight on the Florida Keys Highway is cool (and reminds everyone too much of True Lies) ... why is Ethan Hunt the only one going around shooting the bad guys? The other three agents he operates with are still alive ... but they're helping civilians and not shooting back?

I would focus on killing the UAV armed with rockets and the Huey loaded up with commandos first ... but hey, that's just me ... you know, with military training. And whatever happens, his sidekicks seem to be invincible ... sidekicks were MEANT for killing off, but it doesn't happen nearly enough. Damnit.

The final battle ends too abruptly, and the whole romance thing ... it drives Ethan's actions, but does he really need to be driven like that? He was always so bad ass that he would do what needed to be done ... but now he's suddenly changed? His last mission (in MI2) wasn't nearly catastrophic enough for him to call it quite and become a trainer.

See it if - you want to see Tom Cruise gush over a girl, but on the big screen this time.
Rent it if - you want to add the DVD case to your "Wall of Tom", you would rather save your money for a better action movie.

SILENT HILL

Theater: Showcase Cinema de Lux 16, Okolona, Kentucky
Director's Hall

Never played the video games, but like Resident Evil, I'm pretty sure there wasn't as much scantily-clad womenfolk in it originally. And what little I know about the game, it starts with a mother in a car crash, and when she wakes up her daughter is gone ... a much better opening to get us into the movie rather than dealing with meaningless exposition to explain things in words that are covered later anyways.

And of course, you can't market a movie with a mother all alone in a ghost town searching for her daughter ... you need people for her to interact with.

Hence the female motorcycle cop who happens to drop in, and adds the awkward lesbian flair so standard in horror fare nowadays, and who sacrifices her life for no good reason ... but we'll get to that later.

The film starts creepy, then gets creepy with lesbian overtones, then just gets disgustingly brutal and violent. But nowhere in here is even the hint of a good movie, much less one that makes sense. Maybe I should have played the video games, but I find that to be a weakness in an adaptation: it's your duty to explain the narrative as clearly to both those familiar with the material to those seeing it for the first time.

See it if - you like female motorcycle cops.
Rent it if - you played the game; you like gore; you like female motorcycle cops in the privacy of your own home.